Doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo! This is breaking news from TV1 60 minutes at 6! We have reports coming in from all over the country of sharks that can swim in the forest. During the 80 tornadoes which touched down in almost every state which yesterday thousands sharks from the Californian coast have been deposited all over the place. Like a twist in a fairy tale it has been discovered that these sharks swim in the forest as if it were the sea. This has been put down to a radioactive nuclear waste depot being sucked up in Arizona. We will keep you informed during the course of the evening. A warning anyone who knows friends or relatives are in forests at the moment, please warn them to get out!
Ernie was lost. He had got out of his car on his way home to have a leak. He was driving to his house in Tacoma from Seattle where he worked in the docks. Trying to find a spot where he could ‘go’ without attracting the eyes of the lorry drivers and Highway Patrol. Eventually Ernie found the right sort of spot and he seemed to go into a coma as the pent up pressure in his bladder was slowly released. He spun around finding his new found freedom of the lower body quite amazing, when he was hit hard on the nose by cold reality, the road was gone, he was lost. For once in his life Ernie felt scared and, unable to handle the annoyance, grief and pressure he broke into some very manly tears.
It was now around three hours after Ernie’s unfortunate accident. After crying for around hour and a half, deciding to do something useful he had traipsed off into the forest. He had spent the last hour and a half walking round and round in a circle about 500m in diameter, though according to him he was making good progress. He remembered this by saying, “I’m making good progress,” every five seconds. If you ask Bear Grylls what to do in a survival situation when you are lost in the forest the last thing he will say is ‘Walk around in circles saying, I’m making good progress!’ However Ernie was not Bear Grylls and did not have a hope at becoming anything like him. So he carried on walking in circles.
After walking in circles for another hour Ernie was exhausted and as it was quite dark now he decided to make camp. Having always lived in Washington as a boy he had no idea where he should start. After thinking quite hard for several minutes he decided he would punch down trees like they do in the movies and make a log cabin. But as he soon found out the movies aren’t always that truthful and that punching trees really hurts. Unable to think of a better solution he lay down on the forest floor and pulled leaves over his large beer gut like a blanket. Content with his rusling bed he drifted into the deep, dark realms of sleep.
Around 1am he was awoken by a strange swishy swooshy noise. Swish swish swish swish, swoosh! Then it started again. Swish swish swish swish, swoosh! Now thoroughly scared he stood up and ran for his life (it wasn’t particularly fast but that’s another matter) straight into something very big and very solid he took a step back to examine this thing that had so rudely stopped him when he saw that two small piggy eyes were staring at him out of the darkness.
“Aaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!” he screamed realising that he wasn’t alone. “Eeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeee!!! Whhhoooo aaaaarrrrreeee yyoouuu!!!” He was pulled up into the air by the seat of his pants and given a killer wedgie as something very large and strong threw him way up into the air. Branches whipped his face and the wind hollered in in his ears, then it was all over and he fell to earth with a thud that shook the ground. Once again he was up and running for his life (which again wasn’t very fast). Through the forest he ran, oh how he ran but the thing was right behind him all the way he reach a clearing where the moon shone brightly in the clear, starlit sky that was when he realised that the seat of his $80 Tellason designer jeans full of anger and embarrassment he threw himself at his enemy focused on their destruction. As the first punch glanced the side of the beast’s snout but it’s eye couldn’t take the pressure and exploded. This sent a geyser of blood into the air and the animal became still as it slowly bled to death.
During this time Ernie had been wondering exactly what this thing that was chasing him was. Using his large body weight to aid him, he pulled the creature into the light. As the cold moon shone down on the blood covered body Ernie fainted. It was a shark floating, rotating slowly suspended in mid air.
Ernie woke up twenty minutes later he was covered in cold sweat and a puddle of sick lay beside his head. He noticed a wet patch beside his crotch and was so annoyed at himself that he managed not to faint when he saw the dead shark floating a meter away. Keen to move on again he ran out of the clearing and deeper into the cold, black forest.
After running for five minutes and walking for a further ten Ernie was feeling better and had high hopes of finding his way out when morning arrived. This light and bubbly feeling didn’t last that long though as when Ernie reached another clearing he went pale at what he saw. A hunters mangled body lay at the base of a tree his gun at his feet and his fly tent in shredded tatters fluttering in the gentle night breeze. Ernie thinking fast for once he grabbed the gun and carried on his flight.
A further thirty minutes later Ernie was still going when he hear the sound that he had been dreading all night swish swish swish swish, swoosh! It followed him as he ran never too close never too far away waiting for him to make his move. Ernie ran on and on and on and on and on and on! Finally as the first rays of daylight crept over the horizon and into the forest below Ernie spotted an old building through the forest in front of him. As he came closer he saw that it was an abandoned logger's hut, with a shutable door! The shark seemed to realise that Ernie was trying to get away and it swam faster trying to catch up with him Ernie reached the door first slamming it behind him the shark which was colossal, at least 20 feet long began to break its way in. Smash, Crash, Clatter.
Ernie screamed in fright as the door collapsed under the sharks weight he tried to use the gun but to his dismay nothing came out when he pulled the trigger. His last thoughts were of his girlfriend and his elderly mother, then everything went black… Forever!
Ernie’s body was found a week later strung up in a tree like party bunting. The whole area was covered in his blood and the blood of smaller sharks fighting over his remains. All but one of the sharks that were scattered across America were exterminated. The remaining shark was huge, at least 20 feet long and it terrorised the people of Seattle for many years. The forest Erie died in was only 5 hectares but nobody went there ever again...
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